12:07 on a Sunday

sew. sew. sew. There a few things in my life that I feel I have control over. No, that's not it. There are few things in my life that I feel/am aware of. I say feel/am because sometimes I think I have trouble deciphering between the two: how I feel and what it is. God is always doing so much, and I'm always freaking out trying wrap my brain around all of it at the same time. I'm making the decision, who knows how many more times I'll have to make this decision in order for it to stick, but I am making the decision to not freak out...instead I will wait in anticipation. Joy, there can be joy in anticipation, and I am determined to get that joy back. Kahlil Gibran says this about joy:

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall."

I don't want to be empty, or balanced, rather always running, and never at a standstill. Sewing is one of the few things I feel like I can do, with little effort, and feel accomplished by, at least today. So I will let that carry me through. Numbs fingers, creative thought, productivity, workmanship, quiet, relatively still. I can let something very small be that stability, and wait in anticipation, every stitch, pushing the needle through, tying off, wait some more, wait in anticipation for God. I had an image of what waiting for God should look like and I got it, it clicked, so Ill share it with you.
There is a tree, its something I've never seen before. The only comparison I am able to make is a cherry blossom, or dogwood. Its beautiful and healthy, covered in gorgeous green leaves. But there are no flowers, and my deeper self reveals to me that the flowers are waiting. They are waiting in anticipation, with joy and laughter for there time of blooming to come, they are longing and in love. Everything is right. Seasons change, and it is right, flowers long for their time of blooming. And I realized then that I am also longing to push forth from the branches and bloom, with beauty, but the thing I have been lacking is the joy and the mystery, the awe and beauty that you can only ever find, from waiting...

I will learn to wait, and I will learn the joy that can only be found in that waiting place.